Friday, May 6, 2011

The One in Which I Prepare to Leave College

I was flipping through a travel magazine yesterday morning while on the elliptical, and I saw this quote:

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.  ~Rabindranath Tagore

I almost cried.

I also was listening to Garth Brooks at the time, and the song "Unanswered Prayers" came on. And I almost cried.

A prompt song change followed.

Besides not being able to breathe (cuz I'm rather out of shape), the only reason I didn't cry in both instances was because I was in public. And once I start crying, I turn into an all-out heaving, sobbing snot-fest. I decided to save the other poor patrons of the treadmill from my blubbering. Besides, snot doesn't mix well with sweat.

So I saved it until I got home.

Then I replayed "Unanswered Prayers" and had a good long cry.

My third in two days.

I'm going crazy.

Or rather, I'm getting ready to graduate. And I'm trying to process that fact. Because it is a fact now. A looming, impending doom fact that will soon take me away from all I have loved so dearly in the last four years.

Oh, I know I'll be able to rebuild a home and community again. I will meet good people again. I'll grow to love them. And contrary to how it may seem lately, I am still very excited about moving to Alabama and teaching and working to change things.

And yet... there will never be anything like this experience again. No one will ever be able to replace the amazing women I have gotten to know here. I love them all, and it will hurt so much to leave them.

While talking on the phone with my mom the other day, she said that at least it actually does hurt to leave. That means you are leaving behind something good.

And it's true. I have decided that the amount of pain I am experiencing right now is directly proportional to how amazing my time in college has been. I guess I can be happy I hurt this much, because it means that I squeezed every ounce of fun, growth, and challenge out of these four years.

So I think of that butterfly quote above, and my interpretation of it (Live life to the fullest? Suck every ounce of awesomeness out of any experience you ever have?), and I am sorta heartened. Kinda.

Because while it didn't last long enough, it was perfect in every way. I can definitely say that I lived it up.

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